The faint sound of birds chirping wakes me. It’s still warm enough during the day to warrant a pair of shorts and a T-shirt to sleep with, but the temperature drops significantly during the night time lately, so I’ve been waking up with shivers. It’s September 4th, 2025. I grab my phone and silence the alarm, a bird chirping sound I’ve chosen. It’s a much more peaceful way to start my day, as opposed to the blaring tornado siren-like selection I previously had. Closing my eyes tight, my mind travels back to what my life was like, 5 years ago.
—–
The night before the worst day of my life was just like any other night. Its September 3rd, 2020. I pick up my two kids from school and come home to my parents’ house after a long day working at the local nursing home. We live with my parents, the kids and I, while I focus on saving money for nursing school. Theres a white stain on the left hip of my favorite dark blue scrubs from a smear of Desitin I used on a resident at the nursing home. The spot is still wet from when I lazily scrubbed at it with a wet paper towel in the employee bathroom. “I could not care less” I think to myself. My body is sore from a day of lifting, moving and transferring adults much heavier than I. My kids are young, 7 and 4, and I’m their sole caregiver. I’m chronically exhausted. As I walk inside, I shuffle the kids inside and sigh heavily. My inner dialog repeats itself around this time every day. I’m 25 years old and I’m stuck living at home. I hate it. I want my own place. My thoughts are interrupted by the warm smell of dinner on the stove. My mom is in the kitchen wiping down the counter with a wet cloth. Chicken thighs over rice, my favorite. She meets me with a cold glass of Cavit as I set our bags down in the family room. The kids are excited to be home as well, my daughter jumping up and down as she runs to hug her grandma. My son can’t be bothered and has his mind set on the train tracks and Thomas the train figurines waiting to be played with in the basement.
The night goes on in its typical fashion, we eat together, share work stories, and I get started on the dishes. After many attempts, the kids are finally asleep. My legs feel like rubber and my brain feels like tv static. I slip on a baggy Bruins t-shirt and a pair of purple jogging shorts and slug down the stairs to pack lunches for the kids for tomorrow. My mom is watching her new favorite show, Grace and Frankie. “Come on, watch an episode with me!” she says through high pitched giggles. “It’s so funny, Caroline. I’m dying over here!” “Come on! Please!!” But I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed because I’m so exhausted. I sharply decline, explaining the hard and long day I just had, my one-track mind on my bed. “Okay, fine. Goodnight!” she says. “Goodnight, ma” I reply as I head up the stairs to my room. Did I pack their lunches? Yes, duh, just did. Shoot, I never got gas. Ok, I’ll wake up early tomorrow and do that before dropping the kids off. I’ll still have enough time to get to work.
The temperature has dropped as the sun set and I crack two of my windows. I curl up in my comforter, feeling the cool fresh air fill the room, and I fall asleep.
“Caroline, Caroline, wake up. Something is wrong with Mom” I open my eyes. Its bright out, wow. I slept like a rock. The sun is shining through the cracked windows leaving trails of white along my hardwood floor. My eyes burn as they try to adjust to the brightness. My dad is standing over me, his arm on my shoulder. I feel my body shaking back and forth, and it takes me a moment to realize that he’s the one shaking me. His words don’t register with me immediately, until they do, even though he doesn’t repeat himself. “Something is wrong with Mom” finally reaches my brain.
I don’t remember how I got to the bottom of the stairs, or why I knew to go there. My mom sleeps upstairs with my dad typically, but for some reason, downstairs is where my legs take me. The couch is to the left against a wall between two windows, and I see her. She’s laying on her back under a white velvet blanket, the one I gifted her for Christmas the year before. Her water bottle is on the coffee table within arm’s reach, her cell phone beside it. I think about Grace and Frankie. I think about the sharpness in my voice from the night before. Why did I answer her like that? Why didn’t I watch that God damn episode with her? I think these thoughts first because when I look at her, I know she’s dead.
I recall the CPR class I took two days prior. The irony passes me. I instruct my dad to call 911 and I begin chest compressions. Her skin still feels warm. Her mouth is blue, but her skin is warm. That means I can bring her back. I can fix this. I can watch hundred more episodes of Grace and Frankie. I can apologize for being stern. I can be sure to never take a single moment with her for granted again. “Please, mom. I need to tell you how much I love you. I don’t tell you that enough” I shout as I feel her rib crack beneath the palm of my hand.
The doctor meets us in the family room of the hospital. It smells of must and sadness here. My hands are shaking and my heart feels like it’s made its way deep into my stomach. I reach my arm across my abdomen and hold it there, trying to prevent it from falling any further. Theres a small tv in the top right corner playing re-runs of Leave it to Beaver, and some old magazines scattered lazily on a table next to a box of empty tissues. “Im so sor-“ he mouths and the room erupts in sobs.
—–
I couldn’t tell you the amount of people who showed up to her wake if you asked me. There were so, so many people. Many of whom I’d never met before. People from across the country, from her work, from her childhood, hiking clubs, college, the list goes on. It was amazing to see how many lives she touched during her time on earth, and I realized how devastating my mom’s passing was, not just to our family, but to all of these people. My mom loved life, and she loved living. She found it beautiful, even. She was a person who could take a negative situation and put a playful, positive spin on it, never taking life too seriously. Her energy was so radiant you could practically see it coming off of her. To know her was to love her.
After my mom left us, I spent a year in my own personal hell. Waking up felt like a chore, or a sick joke, rather. I read a statistic that said the most common age to lose your parent is early to mid-50’s. I was angry in my 25-year-old body, and I felt robbed. I kicked myself for taking her for granted, not knowing that my time with her would be cut so short. I tortured myself with could haves and should haves and would haves. The cruel thing about hindsight is that is always shows up late.
After my year of self-loathing, mourning, and depression, I realized how unsustainable it was to live my life like this. I remembered learning about the stages of grief in a psychology class years ago, never really relating to most of them. In hindsight, I went through each stage unknowingly, messily and out of order. Starting to come to terms with the final stage, acceptance, was when I began to consciously adopt as many of her mannerisms as I possibly could. With each hurdle life threw at me, I would put myself into my mom’s wonderfully energetic and loving headspace and it has somehow always moved me one step closer to a happier life. To be a better person, I would channel her.
Today, 5 years later, as I lay in bed curled up in my favorite comforter, I remember her. My room is at the back end of a two-bedroom apartment, one that I moved myself and my kids into about 3 years ago. I’m a nurse now, and I just started school again to pursue my RN. My body isn’t sore anymore from lifting patients, since I’m mostly behind a computer or administering medications. I think about how alive my mom’s spirit still is within me, and how only in her death was I truly reminded to live.
I tell my dad that I love him every single day. My patients at work compliment me on going the extra mile. A woman in a hospital bed recently told me that she can feel my love radiate through my eyes; it makes me smile and I think of my mom. I never turn down an invitation or plans with my loved ones, even when I’m tired. It’s interesting how one day can change your personality for the rest of your life, even if it’s the worst day of your life.
I flip on an episode of Grace and Frankie and start to get ready for the day.